My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
