What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
