Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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