everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
