Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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