Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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