Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
