i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
