I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
