I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
