I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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