I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
