I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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