I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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