I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Randomize
