you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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