can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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