went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
