I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's blow job season.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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