Will you blow on my dice?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
