My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
