it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
