Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
