When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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