My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
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You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
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I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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