the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
