and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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