We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
