god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
