In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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