I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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