I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
