just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
