I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
farters have to be the big spoon...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
