She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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