I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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