Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Michael Bay diarrhea
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
