I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
