i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
