I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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