we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
