Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize