Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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