The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
