I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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