just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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