i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
