You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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