i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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