one two three fourrrrnication!
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
