if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
