my phone needs a breathalizer
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
