I want to walk on stilts...naked
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
did you just send me my own nude
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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