Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
