He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
