Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
