So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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