Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
